WE are a new creation in Christ, we are forgiven. We are a new creation.
I so often put on the old clothes, the old self. I forget that God has made me a new creation.
We are Cinderella, we have been given clean, beautiful new clothes, our rags have been thrown away. So why would we ever decide to put them back on. Imagine her, as the princess, trying to get dressed for a ball. She walks into a closet that is as big as a two bedroom apartment. She walks in and sees an entire room filled wall to wall with shoes, of every kind and every color. Shiny, beautiful new, never worn shoes. She has every shoe she could ever need but she walks out and goes into the other room, with a look of disappointment on her face. The other room hold her dresses. Elegant and beath taking dresses. With no end in sight you walk the rack of them, you just see bows, ribbons, bright vivid colors and every fabric and pattern one could ever imagine or dream of. It is like a bridal store, with dresses hanging that have intricate bead work that could only have been done by the most fabulous of designers, who have taken the time to design these hundreds of dresses for her. Imagine that she walks the racks of these dresses and comes to the end of the fancy, silk covered hangers that hang all her delicately hung dresses, and she reaches out, out beyond the dresses that are there for her and reaches toward the very last item in her closet. She grabs a bent, rusty, wire hanger, with what looks like a piece of fabric folded over it. Upon closer examination you see that it use to be white but is now a brownish yellow stained color. There are loose strings hanging from it and all the edges are frayed. What looks to be an old piece of lace trim is hanging down from the front of it. Whatever it is she is reaching for stands out in this room of beautiful clothing, because it obviously not new, or nice. She takes the garment with her to the mirrors and proceeds to put it on. Two scrappy looking pieces of fabric are tired around her neck, and then she ties two more around her waist. She stands in the mirror thinking how beautiful she looks. Only to suddenly stop and look around. she looks at the rusty wire hanger now on the floor, at the two rooms behind her and then back at the mirror. Imagine her, in her crown, standing in the mirror, looking at herself wearing the tattered and worn apron she has just put on herself. The apron she used to wear before she was a princess. The apron that made her Cinderella, the stepdaughter no one loved, the one she cleaned and cooked and took care of everyone in. The apron that is the very symbol of the life she once had, of the person she used to be.
If we have a closet full of clothes that we can adorn ourselves in: grace, love, mercy, purity, holiness, and admiration. Why would we ever reach into our closet and pull out the things that were used to break us. The things we prayed for and God has forgiven, the things of our past that need to be thrown away. Maybe it is an old boyfriend that you just can't let go of so you text him, when you know you shouldn't. or the diet pills and fad diets you just have to have and do, because you just don't think you are beautiful without them. Maybe you are afraid of the future, so you run to the past seeking old friends and habitats that at one point made you feel ok. There are a thousand and one things that God has freed us and delivered us from, and the possibilities could be endless. We are all unique in the areas that God has healed us. What is not unique however is the fact that when we accepted Christ, He made us a new Creation. He found us, put a glass slipper on our foot and carried us away to a beautiful castle, where he made us a princess. If it is absurd to think of Kate Middleton standing in Buckingham palace, wearing tattered clothes and shoes with holes, why do we as the heirs of God, dress like he has out us out into the cold, with no money and only one pair or shoes.
God is so much better then an earthly or fairytale prince charming. He is the upmost and has never ending power. He is the creator of the world around us and He is the only one who has the power to change the things within us. So I challenge you, before you reach for the tattered apron hanging in the back of your mind, remind yourself, that you are no longer the old person you used to be. You are beautiful, you are patient, you are kind, You are healed you are redeemed, and you are forgiven. Reach out and allow God to cover you in His mercy and grace. He will give you everything you could ever need to make it through whatever it is you are going through, or whatever it is you need to be the person you want to be, and more. when Jesus died on the cross, he didn't just take our sin, He covered us in His Holiness. God doesn't see us as who we once were, He sees us how He saw Jesus, perfect. You are perfect when you cloth yourself in the garments that God is providing. No cash, credit, or ridiculous hoops jumped through required. He does and gives it to you like the prince in Cinderella did for her, out of Love.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Hard way
From the day I was born, I have had a painfully wild, stubborn spirit. I was the kid who was bold, unruly and would do anything and everything without a second thought. I had little fears, and I was in the corner or getting spankings more than I would have liked. These consequences faded from my mind quickly however, and I would be out of the corner for no more then a second before finding my next adventure. My mom loves to tell the stories of how I painted our garage door red, allowed my grandpa to tie a rope around me and lower me down into caves to tell him what I could see. She loves showing pictures of me in my red cowboy boots that I wore no matter what season or with any outfit. I once cut my little sisters pony tail and my imaginary friend took the blame.
In elementary school I struggled with learning, the teachers said I needed to be medicated, because I talked to much and had to much energy that I couldn't learn without something calming me. Thankfully my mother fought for me, and decided that homeschooling temporarily would be better for me. I would read at a second grade reading level until the 5th grade. At this point I am not sure what clicked, but my desire for reading would flourish, and I would go on to read every book I could get my hands on. By the 6th grade I was reading at a 9th grade reading level, and the little girl everyone thought was a hopeless educational cause, turned into an advance learner.
It was this same spirit that protected me when my dad left, when my mom started drinking all the time, and when I would go on to have responsibilities most kids don't ever experience. I was strong, and I didn't crumble. Even when my mom worked two jobs and I raised my little brother and sister. When I was working, and taking advance placement classes along with playing 4 sports, I still maintained my responsibilities at home.
When I was in high school grown ups would say that I was wise beyond my years. I had no interested in being like my peers, and often spent most of my time alone. I wanted to be loved and liked, and I did struggle with feelings of loneliness, I felt despair and heart ache, but something in me always kept me going. The spirit within me could never be succomd to the foolishness that surrounded me, even when I tried my hardest to bend and break it to my authority. I would fight to be normal, to be like the other teens around me.
It was no surprise to anyone that it would take me a year and 6 months to accept Jesus as my savior, definitely was no surprise to me. God knew it wouldn't be an easy task, I know He had it all planned out. I went from never hearing about Jesus, to all of a sudden having people all around me that were determined to love me, and get me into church. I spent a year refusing to go into a church, and once I did it took me another 6 months to say that I actually needed Jesus. I knew from the beginning that I wanted Him, but to actually need something was a serious flaw in my eyes.
So I finally did it, I surrendered. On a summer day in my crowded church I got on my knees and prayed a prayer with pastor Craig. I was so relieved, and so excited, only to eventually find myself struggling once again with my inner self. I had expected that after I surrendered I would experience the before and after affect I had heard of so many times. The before I found Christ I was like this, and after I was totally different, the basic mold for every testimony. For me, that was not the whole truth. There were parts of me that softened, areas that healed, but those changes were so deep that the instant change was not seen from the outside. I was exactly the same, rebellious, unruly, stubborn. I knew my pastors got frustrated with me challenging their authority constantly, but they always were firm and loving, trying to guide this lost little christian and mold her into something great. It would be years before I would realize the truth in everything they said.
Once in college I experienced for the first time things I could not control. I had held myself together for so many years, faced and numbed so many hearts that I think I had reached a point where my heart couldn't pretend anymore. Looking back now I see the good in my plunge into darkness, but at that time could barely speak to God. Why had He allowed me to be hurt so many times and so often. Why did I always have to be responsible, and in control. Why couldn't I have a family that could be loving and supporting. I tried so hard to fake being happy, that at the end of my rope I was exhausted. To say I experienced depression is an understatement. I believe that I found myself experience the death that Jesus refers to when sinners completely give themselves over to the dark. I was a christian, struggling with God and depression, seeking every earthly cure possible, only finding more confusion, more hurt. I hated admitting that I was such a failure to God. In my heart I had always wanted to please Him, to live out the same love for Him that He had shown me, and instead I was a zombie, making the worst of decisions and barely finding enough strength to get out of bed in the mornings. I knew He was with me. I knew that not everything was hopeless and I experienced some really awesome times with Him and received multiple blessings, but I could never rid myself of the darkness and nagging hopelessness within me.
It wasn't until my senior year that I finally hit rock bottom. All the things I had held together finally fell apart. I had nowhere to go, no one to help me, and I was hopeless. I went for a run and I remember just praying over and over that I knew there was more to life than this. Please Help me Jesus.
Like so many times before, I finally heard and found the light in my darkness. It all happened so quickly. When I got home I started crying and telling my mother that I just needed change. Her response was so then change. Move, Do something different. Go live with your brother or your aunt and start over. My immediate response was yes. On an impulse, and what should have been the scariest decision of my life I packed my car and headed to North Carolina. I had never felt so much peace about a decision that I made so drastically and without any further thought, but somehow I knew that this was Gods idea and plan for me, and I was for the first time in a long time willing to be obedient no matter what the cost. This move happened 7 days after I made the decision to go. I think I knew I would talk myself out of it if I stayed back to long.
Oh how God has blessed me. I have walked through so many hurts and found healing. My love for Him has never been stronger. I am actually able to see the reasons why He made me the way He did. That spirit I thought was a curse the majority of my life, is the same spirit that gave me wisdom, and has ensured that I kept living and moving forward. I know now that even though I have been dealt some really awful cards, and experienced so much heartache and pain at such an early age, that God was with me. He equipped me from the beginning. So many times I thought about giving up, the little voice in me kept pushing forward. God never left me, even when I was in the wilderness and out of His will. He still loved me. I trust Him now, because I had experienced Him in the darkest times of my life and He not only stayed with me but provided for me.
In elementary school I struggled with learning, the teachers said I needed to be medicated, because I talked to much and had to much energy that I couldn't learn without something calming me. Thankfully my mother fought for me, and decided that homeschooling temporarily would be better for me. I would read at a second grade reading level until the 5th grade. At this point I am not sure what clicked, but my desire for reading would flourish, and I would go on to read every book I could get my hands on. By the 6th grade I was reading at a 9th grade reading level, and the little girl everyone thought was a hopeless educational cause, turned into an advance learner.
It was this same spirit that protected me when my dad left, when my mom started drinking all the time, and when I would go on to have responsibilities most kids don't ever experience. I was strong, and I didn't crumble. Even when my mom worked two jobs and I raised my little brother and sister. When I was working, and taking advance placement classes along with playing 4 sports, I still maintained my responsibilities at home.
When I was in high school grown ups would say that I was wise beyond my years. I had no interested in being like my peers, and often spent most of my time alone. I wanted to be loved and liked, and I did struggle with feelings of loneliness, I felt despair and heart ache, but something in me always kept me going. The spirit within me could never be succomd to the foolishness that surrounded me, even when I tried my hardest to bend and break it to my authority. I would fight to be normal, to be like the other teens around me.
It was no surprise to anyone that it would take me a year and 6 months to accept Jesus as my savior, definitely was no surprise to me. God knew it wouldn't be an easy task, I know He had it all planned out. I went from never hearing about Jesus, to all of a sudden having people all around me that were determined to love me, and get me into church. I spent a year refusing to go into a church, and once I did it took me another 6 months to say that I actually needed Jesus. I knew from the beginning that I wanted Him, but to actually need something was a serious flaw in my eyes.
So I finally did it, I surrendered. On a summer day in my crowded church I got on my knees and prayed a prayer with pastor Craig. I was so relieved, and so excited, only to eventually find myself struggling once again with my inner self. I had expected that after I surrendered I would experience the before and after affect I had heard of so many times. The before I found Christ I was like this, and after I was totally different, the basic mold for every testimony. For me, that was not the whole truth. There were parts of me that softened, areas that healed, but those changes were so deep that the instant change was not seen from the outside. I was exactly the same, rebellious, unruly, stubborn. I knew my pastors got frustrated with me challenging their authority constantly, but they always were firm and loving, trying to guide this lost little christian and mold her into something great. It would be years before I would realize the truth in everything they said.
Once in college I experienced for the first time things I could not control. I had held myself together for so many years, faced and numbed so many hearts that I think I had reached a point where my heart couldn't pretend anymore. Looking back now I see the good in my plunge into darkness, but at that time could barely speak to God. Why had He allowed me to be hurt so many times and so often. Why did I always have to be responsible, and in control. Why couldn't I have a family that could be loving and supporting. I tried so hard to fake being happy, that at the end of my rope I was exhausted. To say I experienced depression is an understatement. I believe that I found myself experience the death that Jesus refers to when sinners completely give themselves over to the dark. I was a christian, struggling with God and depression, seeking every earthly cure possible, only finding more confusion, more hurt. I hated admitting that I was such a failure to God. In my heart I had always wanted to please Him, to live out the same love for Him that He had shown me, and instead I was a zombie, making the worst of decisions and barely finding enough strength to get out of bed in the mornings. I knew He was with me. I knew that not everything was hopeless and I experienced some really awesome times with Him and received multiple blessings, but I could never rid myself of the darkness and nagging hopelessness within me.
It wasn't until my senior year that I finally hit rock bottom. All the things I had held together finally fell apart. I had nowhere to go, no one to help me, and I was hopeless. I went for a run and I remember just praying over and over that I knew there was more to life than this. Please Help me Jesus.
Like so many times before, I finally heard and found the light in my darkness. It all happened so quickly. When I got home I started crying and telling my mother that I just needed change. Her response was so then change. Move, Do something different. Go live with your brother or your aunt and start over. My immediate response was yes. On an impulse, and what should have been the scariest decision of my life I packed my car and headed to North Carolina. I had never felt so much peace about a decision that I made so drastically and without any further thought, but somehow I knew that this was Gods idea and plan for me, and I was for the first time in a long time willing to be obedient no matter what the cost. This move happened 7 days after I made the decision to go. I think I knew I would talk myself out of it if I stayed back to long.
Oh how God has blessed me. I have walked through so many hurts and found healing. My love for Him has never been stronger. I am actually able to see the reasons why He made me the way He did. That spirit I thought was a curse the majority of my life, is the same spirit that gave me wisdom, and has ensured that I kept living and moving forward. I know now that even though I have been dealt some really awful cards, and experienced so much heartache and pain at such an early age, that God was with me. He equipped me from the beginning. So many times I thought about giving up, the little voice in me kept pushing forward. God never left me, even when I was in the wilderness and out of His will. He still loved me. I trust Him now, because I had experienced Him in the darkest times of my life and He not only stayed with me but provided for me.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
A dream is a wish your Heart makes
I was thinking today about hopes and dreams.
I was thinking how frightening it is to see a dream come true. Most people get excited;at least in the movies and on TV that is how it always is. You very rarely see someone freaking out because they finally got a job they were praying for, graduated with a degree they worked so hard for, found the husband they wanted and planned so long for. Shouldn't all of these moments bring joy? Peace? You made it, you finally got what you wanted. You should be excited, rejoicing, relishing in the bliss of seeing what you have always wanted be done. For me however, it is the very opposite.
I'm feeling all the wrong emotions. A few weeks ago I started applying and seeking ministry jobs. As I get responses, and as I start to close doors and walk forward into full-time ministry I am terrified. As I walk through a door I so wanted to be open for so long, why do I feel scared, stomach wrenching nausea and nerves. Don't get me wrong, deep down I feel joy, I feel hope, but it is conflicting with the feeling of death. They are both very powerful emotions.
In my processing the only thing that has come to me is that as you pursue your dreams, you walk away from the hope. In your darkest moments, you tell yourself one day such and such will happen and all of this will be worth it. For me, my dreams are the very things that have gotten me through these last years of my life. The things that drew me closer to God, the things that made me believe I was worthy of a life that I knew I could have only through God. He could use me, and I would be valuable. I had hope because I could dream about beautiful possibilities in my life.
When those possibilities become reality, there is a shifting in our brain. A fear over takes us because we are aware that our dreams may not be all that we thought they would be. The shining silver lining may in fact be just as dark and dreary as the place we left. Maybe we will experience the glory of our dreams only to see them unravel and not be forever. What if we fulfill our wildest dreams, we have the house, husband, kids, career, resume of awesome things we have done in life with all the financial stability to not only be secure but own the world. If you fulfill all your dreams, would there be anything left to dream about? What would bring us the hope we feel as we think about the possibilities.
To be continued.....
I was thinking how frightening it is to see a dream come true. Most people get excited;at least in the movies and on TV that is how it always is. You very rarely see someone freaking out because they finally got a job they were praying for, graduated with a degree they worked so hard for, found the husband they wanted and planned so long for. Shouldn't all of these moments bring joy? Peace? You made it, you finally got what you wanted. You should be excited, rejoicing, relishing in the bliss of seeing what you have always wanted be done. For me however, it is the very opposite.
I'm feeling all the wrong emotions. A few weeks ago I started applying and seeking ministry jobs. As I get responses, and as I start to close doors and walk forward into full-time ministry I am terrified. As I walk through a door I so wanted to be open for so long, why do I feel scared, stomach wrenching nausea and nerves. Don't get me wrong, deep down I feel joy, I feel hope, but it is conflicting with the feeling of death. They are both very powerful emotions.
In my processing the only thing that has come to me is that as you pursue your dreams, you walk away from the hope. In your darkest moments, you tell yourself one day such and such will happen and all of this will be worth it. For me, my dreams are the very things that have gotten me through these last years of my life. The things that drew me closer to God, the things that made me believe I was worthy of a life that I knew I could have only through God. He could use me, and I would be valuable. I had hope because I could dream about beautiful possibilities in my life.
When those possibilities become reality, there is a shifting in our brain. A fear over takes us because we are aware that our dreams may not be all that we thought they would be. The shining silver lining may in fact be just as dark and dreary as the place we left. Maybe we will experience the glory of our dreams only to see them unravel and not be forever. What if we fulfill our wildest dreams, we have the house, husband, kids, career, resume of awesome things we have done in life with all the financial stability to not only be secure but own the world. If you fulfill all your dreams, would there be anything left to dream about? What would bring us the hope we feel as we think about the possibilities.
To be continued.....
Seeking The One most worthy to be Sought
You will Find God when you seek God
Jeremiah 29:13-24 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart I will be found by you
We need to have a full heart pursuit of God. Seek Him with our entire lives, not just when we need Him, or in the morning or before we go to sleep. It should be a continual, in every area of our life pursuit or Him. And He is not playing hide and seek. Taunting you, drawing you closer only to disappear again. When you seek him He is eager to be found.
There are so many ways to draw into his presence and to find Him. The most important and vital way is to seek him by opening up his word daily, and get to know him.
We seek him through Prayer, by talking to Him like you would a friend. Tell him about your problems, your day, ask him questions, yell at him. Whatever you feel the need to communicate when you talk he will listen.
Seek him in Worship. Listening to worship music is a spirit directed act that can lead you to Him. In my most vulnerable of moments God has made is presence known to me through the songs I hear and I am most willing and capable of hearing him when I am in the spirit worshiping. There is no better way to soften your heart then worship music. And it is so easily accessible in the world today.
Seek Him and you will find peace, comfort, wisdom, grace. In Him is all we need.
When we seek Him, we can Live through him. He will be in us, through the spirit. We don't have to go to church to find Him. We wake up and He is there in us, when our day sucks, and everything is going wrong. When we hurt, when we rejoice, His Presence is always with us. Through it all.
Acts 17 God made the world and everything in it. He did this so we would see Him and find him near to us. He is all around us in nature to remind us that he is waiting, waiting to be found.
It doesn't matter how we feel, it is about him feeling us. It is not all about us, it is all about him. When we don't feel his presence, we let him feel ours. When we feel far away, we worship and pray anyways. Because when we act in faith, seek Him, praise Him, talk to Him, get in his word, He is able to overcome all the variables in our lives that are keeping us from Him. We can't do life without him. Let Him love you.
Jeremiah 29:13-24 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart I will be found by you
We need to have a full heart pursuit of God. Seek Him with our entire lives, not just when we need Him, or in the morning or before we go to sleep. It should be a continual, in every area of our life pursuit or Him. And He is not playing hide and seek. Taunting you, drawing you closer only to disappear again. When you seek him He is eager to be found.
There are so many ways to draw into his presence and to find Him. The most important and vital way is to seek him by opening up his word daily, and get to know him.
We seek him through Prayer, by talking to Him like you would a friend. Tell him about your problems, your day, ask him questions, yell at him. Whatever you feel the need to communicate when you talk he will listen.
Seek him in Worship. Listening to worship music is a spirit directed act that can lead you to Him. In my most vulnerable of moments God has made is presence known to me through the songs I hear and I am most willing and capable of hearing him when I am in the spirit worshiping. There is no better way to soften your heart then worship music. And it is so easily accessible in the world today.
Seek Him and you will find peace, comfort, wisdom, grace. In Him is all we need.
When we seek Him, we can Live through him. He will be in us, through the spirit. We don't have to go to church to find Him. We wake up and He is there in us, when our day sucks, and everything is going wrong. When we hurt, when we rejoice, His Presence is always with us. Through it all.
Acts 17 God made the world and everything in it. He did this so we would see Him and find him near to us. He is all around us in nature to remind us that he is waiting, waiting to be found.
It doesn't matter how we feel, it is about him feeling us. It is not all about us, it is all about him. When we don't feel his presence, we let him feel ours. When we feel far away, we worship and pray anyways. Because when we act in faith, seek Him, praise Him, talk to Him, get in his word, He is able to overcome all the variables in our lives that are keeping us from Him. We can't do life without him. Let Him love you.
God you are holy, and amazing. I am beyond amazed by the things you do. I am so unworthy, so unholy and messy. I pray you continue to break my heart and draw me towards you. Help me to trust you. To cling to you. God you are my everything. Be my husband. Be the one I adore and love with every fiber of my being. I want to be more like you, but I don't want the changes to be anything other then the changes your love makes to my heart.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Year of Penny
"Lift up your eyes from where you are and look north and south, east and west. All the land you see I will give you." Genesis 13:14-15
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Everyday I realize that I am more typical and normal then I imagine myself to be. I am not the only girl to have my heart broken, not the only girl to graduate college and have no idea what to do with my life. I walk into the self help aisle in a book store and I am instantly reminded that what I am experiencing is not so unique. That helps ease the pain of knowing that I am not alone in my sorrow or struggles or even my happiest thoughts and moments. But before I dismiss my feeling of uniqueness I am reminded that it is not about what we experience that makes us special, it is about the way God uses those moments and how we handle them that make our story truly unique. Every person that is married has an engagement story, but just because 10,000 people all have one, doesn't make the story you have any less unique or special. Every hurt or heart break no matter how cliche the story sounds or how many times people have heard it is never merely "Just Another Story", It is the very essence of you. It is what makes you as a whole unique. when you are quick to compare the moments of your life, the special abilities talents or desires you have and write them off just because you see someone else with similar pieces, I hope that you remember that you are a mosaic, each piece of tile may not be unique, but the artist will use those pieces to create a picture that is. What you are going through matters, He cares, even if it feels like no one else does.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
grief
"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..." — Elizabeth Gilbert.
I still get sad sometimes. like a deep depressing sadness that overwhelms my heart because I am alone. i miss him more then i admit. but it is covered in hope, outlined in faith. faith that God knows what's best and hope that I will someday fulfill my longings that pain me. God is so good and so faithful, we must always walk in him. when we wake up and feel like the worlds caving in, we must know his hands are protecting us.
I still get sad sometimes. like a deep depressing sadness that overwhelms my heart because I am alone. i miss him more then i admit. but it is covered in hope, outlined in faith. faith that God knows what's best and hope that I will someday fulfill my longings that pain me. God is so good and so faithful, we must always walk in him. when we wake up and feel like the worlds caving in, we must know his hands are protecting us.
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