I was thinking today about hopes and dreams.
I was thinking how frightening it is to see a dream come true. Most people get excited;at least in the movies and on TV that is how it always is. You very rarely see someone freaking out because they finally got a job they were praying for, graduated with a degree they worked so hard for, found the husband they wanted and planned so long for. Shouldn't all of these moments bring joy? Peace? You made it, you finally got what you wanted. You should be excited, rejoicing, relishing in the bliss of seeing what you have always wanted be done. For me however, it is the very opposite.
I'm feeling all the wrong emotions. A few weeks ago I started applying and seeking ministry jobs. As I get responses, and as I start to close doors and walk forward into full-time ministry I am terrified. As I walk through a door I so wanted to be open for so long, why do I feel scared, stomach wrenching nausea and nerves. Don't get me wrong, deep down I feel joy, I feel hope, but it is conflicting with the feeling of death. They are both very powerful emotions.
In my processing the only thing that has come to me is that as you pursue your dreams, you walk away from the hope. In your darkest moments, you tell yourself one day such and such will happen and all of this will be worth it. For me, my dreams are the very things that have gotten me through these last years of my life. The things that drew me closer to God, the things that made me believe I was worthy of a life that I knew I could have only through God. He could use me, and I would be valuable. I had hope because I could dream about beautiful possibilities in my life.
When those possibilities become reality, there is a shifting in our brain. A fear over takes us because we are aware that our dreams may not be all that we thought they would be. The shining silver lining may in fact be just as dark and dreary as the place we left. Maybe we will experience the glory of our dreams only to see them unravel and not be forever. What if we fulfill our wildest dreams, we have the house, husband, kids, career, resume of awesome things we have done in life with all the financial stability to not only be secure but own the world. If you fulfill all your dreams, would there be anything left to dream about? What would bring us the hope we feel as we think about the possibilities.
To be continued.....
One Year To Change
To be a woman of God.