The Hard way

From the day I was born, I have had a painfully wild, stubborn spirit. I was the kid who was bold, unruly and would do anything and everything without a second thought.  I had little fears, and I was in the corner or getting spankings more than I would have liked. These consequences faded from my mind quickly however, and I would be out of the corner for no more then a second before finding my next adventure. My mom loves to tell the stories of how I painted our garage door red, allowed my grandpa to tie a rope around me and lower me down into caves to tell him what I could see. She loves showing pictures of me in my  red cowboy boots that I wore no matter what season or with any outfit. I once cut my little sisters pony tail and my imaginary friend took the blame.
 In elementary school I struggled with learning, the teachers said I needed to be medicated, because I talked to much and had to much energy that I couldn't learn without something calming me. Thankfully my mother fought for me, and decided that homeschooling temporarily would be better for me. I would read at a second grade reading level until the 5th grade. At this point I am not sure what clicked, but my desire for reading would flourish, and I would go on to read every book I could get my hands on. By the 6th grade I was reading at a 9th grade reading level, and the little girl everyone thought was a hopeless educational cause, turned into an advance learner.
It was this same spirit that protected me when my dad left, when my mom started drinking all the time, and when I would go on to have responsibilities most kids don't ever experience. I was strong, and I didn't crumble. Even when my mom worked two jobs and I raised my little brother and sister. When I was working, and taking advance placement classes along with playing 4 sports, I still maintained my responsibilities at home. 
When I was in high school grown ups would say that I was wise beyond my years. I had no interested in being like my peers, and often spent most of my time alone. I wanted to be loved and liked, and I did struggle with feelings of loneliness, I felt despair and heart ache, but something in me always kept me going. The spirit within me could never be succomd to the foolishness that surrounded me, even when I tried my hardest to bend and break it to my authority. I would fight to be normal, to be like the other teens around me.
It was no surprise to anyone that it would take me a year and 6 months to accept Jesus as my savior, definitely was no surprise to me. God knew it wouldn't be an easy task, I know He had it all planned out. I went from never hearing about Jesus, to all of a sudden having people all around me that were determined to love me, and get me into church. I spent a year refusing to go into a church, and once I did it took me another 6 months to say that I actually needed Jesus. I knew from the beginning that I wanted Him, but to actually need something was a serious flaw in my eyes.
So I finally did it, I surrendered. On a summer day in my crowded church I got on my knees and prayed a prayer with pastor Craig. I was so relieved, and so excited, only to eventually find myself struggling once again with my inner self.  I had expected that after I surrendered I would experience the before and after affect I had heard of so many times. The before I found Christ I was like this, and after I was totally different, the basic mold for every testimony. For me, that was not the whole truth. There were parts of me that softened, areas that healed, but those changes were so deep that the instant change was not seen from the outside. I was exactly the same, rebellious, unruly, stubborn. I knew my pastors got frustrated with me challenging their authority constantly, but they always were firm and loving, trying to guide this lost little christian and mold her into something great. It would be years before I would realize the truth in everything they said.
Once in college I experienced for the first time things I could not control. I had held myself together for so many years, faced and numbed so many hearts that I think I had reached a point where my heart couldn't pretend anymore. Looking back now I see the good in my plunge into darkness, but at that time could barely speak to God. Why had He allowed me to be hurt so many times and so often. Why did I always have to be responsible, and in control. Why couldn't I have a family that could be loving and supporting. I tried so hard to fake being happy, that at the end of my rope I was exhausted. To say I experienced depression is an understatement. I believe that I found myself experience the death that Jesus refers to when sinners completely give themselves over to the dark. I was a christian, struggling with God and depression, seeking every earthly cure possible, only finding more confusion, more hurt. I hated admitting that I was such a failure to God. In my heart I had always wanted to please Him, to live out the same love for Him that He had shown me, and instead I was a zombie, making the worst of decisions and barely finding enough strength to get out of bed in the mornings. I knew He was with me. I knew that not everything was hopeless and I experienced some really awesome times with Him and received multiple blessings, but I could never rid myself of the darkness and nagging hopelessness within me.
It wasn't until my senior year that I finally hit rock bottom. All the things I had held together finally fell apart. I had nowhere to go, no one to help me, and I was hopeless. I went for a run and I remember just praying over and over that I knew there was more to life than this. Please Help me Jesus.
Like so many times before, I finally heard and found the light in my darkness. It all happened so quickly. When I got home I started crying and telling my mother that I just needed change. Her response was so then change. Move, Do something different. Go live with your brother or your aunt and start over. My immediate response was yes. On an impulse, and what should have been the scariest decision of my life I packed my car and headed to North Carolina. I had never felt so much peace about a decision that I made so drastically and without any further thought, but somehow I knew that this was Gods idea and plan for me, and I was for the first time in a long time willing to be obedient no matter what the cost. This move happened 7 days after I made the decision to go. I think I knew I would talk myself out of it if I stayed back to long.

Oh how God has blessed me. I have walked through so many hurts and found healing. My love for Him has never been stronger. I am actually able to see the reasons why He made me the way He did. That spirit I thought was a curse the majority of my life, is the same spirit that gave me wisdom, and has ensured that I kept living and moving forward. I know now that even though I have been dealt some really awful cards, and experienced so much heartache and pain at such an early age, that God was with me. He equipped me from the beginning. So many times I thought about giving up, the little voice in me kept pushing forward. God never left me, even when I was in the wilderness and out of His will. He still loved me. I trust Him now, because I had experienced Him in the darkest times of my life and He not only stayed with me but provided for me.